


Staring at the Ceiling

by Pearl_Pilots_In_Chains



Category: Death Note (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Darker than I expected it to be, F/M, Flashbacks/Memories, Internal Thoughts, Kira's legacy lives on, Little bits of Fluff, Matsuda's State of Mind, Mentions of murder and assault, Still potentially triggering, Though it has its sentimental and overly cheesy bits as well, Thoughts about life and love?, Throw on some emotional indie folk and enjoy, With a large dose of angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-17
Updated: 2020-01-17
Packaged: 2021-02-27 09:02:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,400
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22294501
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pearl_Pilots_In_Chains/pseuds/Pearl_Pilots_In_Chains
Summary: Matsuda is having difficulty falling asleep.  This leads to his mind wandering.  He reflects on the current state of his life, and how things have changed over time.
Relationships: Matsuda Touta/Yagami Sayu
Comments: 4
Kudos: 23





	Staring at the Ceiling

**Author's Note:**

> I apologize in advance for making this angstier than I intended to. Apparently I'm not capable of writing purely fluffy content. Angsty elements always seem to have a way of slipping into my works. That being said, I hope you all still enjoy this. I know this is my first Death Note fic, so I would very much appreciate feedback regarding how well I portrayed the different characters. Let me know if you'd like me to take a shot at writing some more Death Note fics in the future.

Matsuda Touta couldn’t sleep. The problem wasn’t that he didn’t want to sleep.He certainly did.It was simply that he didn’t feel tired.As much as he wanted to sleep, he couldn’t will his body to comply with his own desires.He guessed the main reason was likely that his internal clock, or to be more precise, his circadian rhythm, had been negatively altered by his recent actions.The last case he had been on had required him to work overtime, and he often found himself staying up far later than he normally did.However, with the case ended, he had been able to return to his usual routine.It seemed that his body hadn’t picked up on the message yet.

Of course, that was only part of the problem.The other portion was that Matsuda’s mind was far too active for sleep at the moment.The details and events of the last case were still lingering in his mind.In fact, he doubted they would be leaving anytime soon.It had been a nightmarish investigation.One he almost wished he hadn’t been assigned to.But he didn’t have much say in the matter.The case had involved a serial killer who was a self-proclaimed “heir to Kira,” which meant that Aizawa had taken an interest in it.Aizawa tended to want to be involved in as many of the cases involving followers of Kira as possible, and he often assigned Matsuda or one of his other close associates to them.Matsuda couldn’t decide whether or not this was a good thing in his mind.On one hand, he was definitely dedicated to helping combat the legacy left by Kira.On the other hand, it sometimes felt like an insurmountable task.It was truly impressive, in a horrific, sickening way, just how much of an influence Kira still had on the world.Matsuda wondered if Light Yagami had ever imagined how the world would be changed, even after he was gone.Then again, Light probably hadn’t believed he’d ever die.He seemed to truly believe he was a god, just as the devoted followers of Kira still did.

The worst part of it was just how many of those followers seemed to exist, and how insanely fanatical some of their beliefs were.Some of them seemed to believe that since Kira’s disappearance and publicly-announced death, they had been tasked with continuing to carry out Kira’s specifically perverted form of justice.A form of justice where they served as the judge, jury, and hangman.In the eyes of these followers, whatever they viewed as wrong or immoral was something they felt that Kira had appointed them to punish.Perhaps it was all justification.Justification for hatred, intolerance, and prejudice of all kinds.But even if that’s all it was, the Kira followers who committed crimes in the name of justice were linked together by common traits, chief among those being their radical reverence for Kira.Even warm under his bedsheets, Matsuda couldn’t help but shiver at the coldness that slipped into his mind.The memories of the violence he had seen, the atrocities he had witnessed, and the nauseating manifestos he had read.All in the name of Kira. 

He hated it.Every part of him hated it.And on some level, he knew he blamed himself.Perhaps this “cult” devoted to Kira would never have developed, or at least never grown to size it seemed to be now, if the Task Force had caught Light sooner.How had he trusted him?How had he believed in him?To think, in a strange way, on some level, he had once worshipped the man who was Kira.Didn’t that make him no better than the murders and madmen that he fought?He gritted his teeth at the thought, digging his nails into his palms.No.He couldn’t think like that.It was a trap he fell into far too often.He had to keep pushing onwards.He had to keep fighting against Kira’s legacy.If only to atone, to himself or perhaps to some higher power, for the trust he had once placed in Light Yagami.

This last case though.This last case had wrecked him.He refused to admit it to himself, but he knew it was true.He had thought about asking off of the investigation more than once, but managed to push down the urge each time.Each day on this case had been a struggle.Everything about it had been so utterly inhuman.The killer they were pursuing had seemed altogether demonic.He had hunted single parents, raising children born outside of a marriage, as well as women who had gotten abortions.He had killed them all, after doing worse things to them.He had filmed almost every one of his assaults and murders as well.Both for the apparent “collection” the police had found in his house when they had finally caught him, and for the “game” he had played with the police.He had left discs for them to find at future crime scenes, showing videos of his previous actions.Matsuda hadn’t been able to watch them.He had tried, but he couldn’t make it.It was too much, even for him.He was ashamed of his own weakness.But Aizawa hadn’t judged him for it.In a moment of compassion, he had assigned someone else to take Matsuda’s place in that undertaking.Matsuda had been thankful for it, but it had heightened his shame even further.He had tried to apologize profusely to Aizawa, but Aizawa had refused to accept it.In his own words, “no one should ever be forced to watch those videos.And you have already been forced to see plenty of things that no one ever should.”He followed that with a classic, “Matsuda, you idiot, I’m helping you out, don’t come in here apologizing to me.”Whereas those words had once conveyed a sense of annoyance and frustration, there was now almost a fondness to them.Matsuda sometimes felt as if they were almost family, in an odd way that was difficult to explain or express.

All throughout the case, Matsuda struggled to grasp how a human could have carried out the actions this, this monster had.That part alone had haunted him, terrorized him.The conclusion though, the resolution, that had made it so much worse.The monster had been an officer.Like Matsuda, like Aizawa.Like all of them were.It was too reminiscent for Matsuda.Of another time when someone who he had thought was one of them had turned out to be the demon they were fighting.The only small consolation this time, if it could even be called that, was that this time, Matsuda hadn’t known the officer personally.He wasn’t sure what he would have done if he had.No, he was sure.He simply didn’t want to think about it, didn’t want to acknowledge how sure he was of what he would have done.The thought scared him too much.It reminded him of what he was capable of doing.

Matsuda slowly slid open his eyes, and stared up at the ceiling, allowing his vision to adjust to the darkness.Slowly, part of the room came into a dull, subdued focus out of the blackness.Softly exhaling, Matsuda rolled over.He gazed at wife cascading chocolate hair, a good portion of which was currently pooling on her pillow.Her back was turned to him at the moment, but he could still make out the gentle movements of her body as she breathed in and out.Though he couldn’t see it at the moment, he could visualize her face with ease.It was ingrained in his mind at this point.The smooth curve of her cheekbone, the brown glimmer of her eyes, and the way her lips arced across her face when she smiled.Her features might have been delicate, but he knew she was far stronger than she looked.He often reflected on the fact that she was stronger than he was.He wasn’t particularly sure that he could have survived everything she had, especially in such quick succession.But she had survived.She had recovered too.He remembered those first days.When she was still unable to walk on her own.When she struggled to speak, and preferred the silence.He remembered feeling honored, and more than a little embarrassed, that she wanted him to keep her company.That she had asked for him specifically.At the same time, it had felt so wrong in a way he knew he couldn’t explain to her.To think that she would choose to spend time with the man who essentially killed her brother.Though of course, she hadn’t know that.And he of course hadn’t been able to tell her.It had been a strange, painful time for both of them.But somehow, they had healed.Matsuda thought that perhaps it would be more accurate to say that in some ways, they had healed each other.Through smiles, through quiet, stumbling conversations.Through walks along park paths where she leaned on his shoulders, and they would stop to rest at every bench they reached.Every space between a bench felt like a mountain to climb, an ocean to swim, before receiving respite.Nevertheless, they made it.

Four years had passed.She had steadily regained her health, and returned to college.Things had settled into a sort of rhythm.The sorrow was still there, would always be there, but they were living.They had been dating, officially that is, for nearly two years.Matsuda had known he had to tell her.The truth.The entirety of it.If they were ever to have a future together, she had to know.He had gone to Aizawa, and begged him for permission to tell her.Aizawa had told him it was too dangerous.That it was classified information, and that the NPA couldn’t risk Kira’s actual identity ever coming to light.That it could have terrible repercussions, and could even put the surviving members of the Yagami family at risk.Matsuda had understood the risks, but had still tried to make Aizawa understand.He was sure that Sayu could be trusted.She would not reveal the truth if she knew it.She would understand the danger, and she certainly wouldn’t do anything that could potentially bring harm to her mother.He knew how much she loved and cared for her mother.He was sure of that much.What he was utterly unsure about was how she would feel about him after she knew the truth.The rational part of him had argued that she would hate him and never want to speak to him again.But another part of him, the hopeful, optimistic side that tended to get him in trouble, had argued that maybe, just maybe, she would still love him.

At last, he had given Aizawa an ultimatum.Either they would tell Sayu the truth, or he would leave the NPA.And furthermore, that he might tell her himself once he was out of the agency.This had gotten a reaction out of Aizawa.Aizawa had threatened Matsuda, telling him that he could charge him with something somewhat equivalent to treason right then and there for even voicing such a possibility.Matsuda, in an uncharacteristic move, had stood his ground in front of Aizawa.Furthermore, he had openly defied him.They had actually caused a fair bit of commotion.A chair got broken, and a filing cabinet in Aizawa’s office got knocked over.Admittedly, things had gotten a lot more physical than Matsuda had expected.Aizawa had said something along the lines of, “Matsuda, you idiot!Do I have to beat some damn sense into that love-addled brain of yours?!”At one point, security guards had burst in and offered to drag Matsuda away, to which Aizawa had promptly told them to “get out!This one’s mine!”Considering that he was the chief, they had decided that was a wise course of action.Eventually, Matsuda and Aizawa came to an agreements of sort.One that involved, among some other conditions, Matsuda helping Aizawa clean up the ungodly mess of papers that had been scattered all around his office during the “discussion.”It may or may not have also involved Matsuda buying a new chair, and some sushi as reparations.But it was all worth it.Because Aizawa had agreed that they could tell Sayu the truth, with the explicit caveat that he, rather than Matsuda, would be the one to tell her.In addition, Matsuda was not allowed to be present at their meeting.Both of these were concessions that Matsuda grudgingly assented to, while rubbing his aching shoulder and wondering if his boss had always had such a strong right hook.He had only asked that Aizawa at least call him after the meeting, to let him know how it went.Aizawa had rolled his eyes and agreed, while offering Matsuda a hand to help him off the floor.

Said phone call had been one of the worst ones Matsuda had ever had.Aizawa was brutally upfront with Matsuda, just as he expected Aizawa to be.Sayu had wanted nothing more to do with Matsuda.He had tried to text her, tried to call her.He had been a fool.Thinking that if he could only explain, she would understand.She blocked him.He tried to stop by to bring her flowers.She threatened to call the cops and get a restraining order.He ended up back in Aizawa’s office.This time, the “discussion” was less physical in nature, but in Matsuda’s personal opinion, it hit much harder.Aizawa spelled it out, in no uncertain terms, that Matsuda was to leave Sayu the hell alone, unless Matsuda wanted Aizawa to call the old chief back from beyond the grave and tell him that Matsuda had been antagonizing his daughter.This had shut Matsuda up.Having his ass kicked by a ghost, as unlikely as that possibility was, was not high on his list of interests.After putting the “fear of Chief Yagami” into Matsuda, Aizawa explained that Matsuda’s best course of action, if he was ever interested in seeing her again, was to give her space, instead of hanging onto her all the time like a perverted stalker.Matsuda took Aizawa’s advice, and decided to stop acting like an idiot for once.He had doubled down on his casework and tried his best to put Sayu out of his mind.

It was a year and a half before she spoke to him again.She texted him one afternoon, and asked if he would like to get tea with her the next day, because she wanted to talk.He hastily agreed, though he was more than a little apprehensive.In retrospect, he realized that he had perhaps misjudged Sayu.She explained that she would try to forgive him, and do her best to tolerate him, but only on the condition that they began dating again.He saw mourning and rage in her eyes that morning, but he also saw a muted affection, and somewhere in the corners of her smile, and the light reflected off her hair, love.That had been five years ago.They had been married for a little over two years now.He still sometimes had to bump his head into a wall, or flick himself in the face, to realize that no, he wasn’t fantasizing.

It was times like tonight, he realized, that he could fully grasp just how much Sayu had healed him.Continued to heal him.There was no way for any words he could muster to encompass how much he relied on her.Her strength, her hope, her guidance.He often talked with her about cases, though he knew he shouldn’t.Somehow, she seemed wise in a way he had never recognized when they were both younger.She was more aware than he had known.He often contemplated this, and saw that he had grossly misjudged her in the past.He had taken her for something less than she was.He tried his best everyday now, to truly respect and appreciate who Sayu was, in all her complexity.

It seemed appropriate, in a way, that she had chosen to go into government work.If he was being totally honest with himself, it was hard for him to imagine anyone who was raised in the Yagami family not working for the government in some capacity.Then again, he realized that opinion only came from knowing the old chief, and of course, as much as he hated to admit it, Light.They both seemed made for government.As if it was somehow an ingrained part of their character.Even Light, as corrupted and disturbed of an individual as he was, seemed like someone who was cut out for government work.And to be fair, Sayu’s disposition was not completely different.Perhaps she had been more unlike the other members of her family when she was younger, but it seemed, at least in Matsuda’s mind, that she had developed some traits reminiscent of the old chief as she had aged.It was certainly an indubitable fact, as far as he could see, that she was her father’s daughter.With that being said, he was glad that she hadn’t chosen to follow directly in her father’s, and brother’s footsteps, and join the NPA.She had thought about it, but decided against it in the end.She had stated that her reasoning was that she didn’t want to go down the same path that had, in the end, “devoured” her father and her brother.Matsuda thought that was a good way to put it.Though Light and his father had both taken drastically different turns on their respective journey, so much so that Matsuda thought it was an insult to the old chief to describe them both in the same sentence, they both died for what they wholeheartedly believed to be “justice.”However close to the truth that might be.If one thing had become evident to Matsuda over the course of his career in the NPA, it was that the ideals he had at one time considered objective truths were far more subjective than most people cared to admit.

Matsuda was always comforted by the fact that Sayu’s work was in a lab.That in a way, she strived to understand and better utilize parts of life, though this was of course an enormous oversimplification of the work she actually did.In contrast, he often felt that he worked to destroy life, or to clean up after the destruction of life, even though he knew that wasn’t really true either.He also liked to think that Sayu’s job was safer than his, and he was thankful for that.Especially when he thought about the things he encountered on a regular basis.He knew it was immature, possessive, and more than a little selfish of him to be glad for Sayu’s career choices, at least to some extent, simply because it kept her out of harm’s way. At the same time, he couldn’t imagine losing her.He frequently felt as though she was the sole force that pulled him through the situations he found himself caught up in time and time again.Through horrors like the ones that had flashed through his mind on replay only minutes before.Because they were indeed absent now. Despite the fact that some might have judged the belief as being saccharine and oversentimental, it seemed to Matsuda as though merely thinking of Sayu had the power to bring peace to both his heart and his mind. That in some beautiful, undefinable way, she had the power to grip him tight and pull him back out of the mental darkness he would sometimes stumble into. Given that metaphor, he supposed that some people would call Sayu's presence in his life a sort of guiding light. However, he thought that anyone ever bothered to ask him how he felt about that image, he would vehemently state that he wasn’t a big fan of the term himself. In his eyes, it was an incredibly inadequate description.As far as Matsuda was concerned, light could never compare to Sayu.


End file.
